God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
