How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
