you would pick up someone in the library
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize