I accidentally had phone sex last night
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
