we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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