Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
