Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
