just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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