You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
