I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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