I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
