I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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