Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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