Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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