Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
