My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
