failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
