I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
