I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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