I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
