they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you had me at cake vodka
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize