Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
