It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
