He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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