At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
vagina is talking i cant
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
