never play flip cup with pint glasses
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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