Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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