I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
