Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
