Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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