I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
