We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
