Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
