Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
