Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
