My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
