He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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