My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
A bitchslap is in order.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
