i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
