And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize