so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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