you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
