He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
