you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
