Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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