you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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