Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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