Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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