I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
