Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
