o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
