I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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