I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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