There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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