I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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