does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
