What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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