my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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