I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
