she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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