I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Only a mothe r could love this liver
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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