Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
