fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
