from now on my penis is your penis
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
