My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
