Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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